Nelson Mandela said "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us."
This speech he gave was very powerful to me when I read it, and I guess what you read below is me letting myself show and not hiding from who I am...
"I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul." -Herrick
Something I have found is important to me is being in control. I say who I am. I choose where I go. Of course there are those things that I cannot control in life, but I control what I do with them.
I choose to write because it is my way of turning bad experiences into personal growth.
The first topic I am writing about is Death. Morbid, I know. Death comes into each of our lives and takes our loved ones away. I have seen it, I have watched it, and I have felt it. And this is how I respond to it:
The Viewing
"Wake up! My friend.
I see you, you are right here."
But at a touch, I sense the soul is departed.
The sudden loss, leaving me heavy-hearted,
My sorrow drenched in fear.
If tears are indeed
Drops of love had,
I'll be crying an eternity, or even more.
And though I won't be as I was before,
These tears, my tears, will prove our love was glad.
"Thou shalt live together in love, insomuch, that thou shalt weep for them that die."
-D&C 42:45
When I experience or witness someone with the grief that comes from the result of a death I have thought, wouldn't it be better for us to be alone, to not let ourselves love others just to lose them. Then we would not have to know this deep sorrow.
But I know now, that we are not complete alone, we are not ourselves without our family and friends. They all help make us who we are, even if they aren't in our lives for very long.
I have many examples I could use, but I want to talk about my dear friend Joan. When I met her, I knew she was dying. I was determined to see her as my job only, to ignore the fact that she was a woman who once walked and talked. I know it seems like a harsh thing, but I did not want to get to know someone who was going to be dead soon.
Every day I went into her house, fed her, read to her, and took care of her personal needs. Joan was able to answer yes or no; before I began working there I was told that her speech was no longer understandable. But as I sat with her laying in her bed, I would be reading or something, and she would "mumble" I started listening and realized, I could understand her pretty well. When her friends would come to visit, or people in the ward, or even her daughters, they would talk, she would "mumble", and finally I started to repeat what she was saying. People were amazed I understood so well, other people could catch words, but I cannot tell you how I was able to make clear, what others weren't. But I do think that God had a lesson in mind for me.
It wasn't long before Joan was giving me orders, things I completely loved doing for her, she had me writing thank you notes to friends and putting up Christmas decorations, just things a husband wouldn't think of doing. And then, one day, she asked me to read her journal aloud to her, and I did, so many journals. I learned all these things about her, missions she went on, her experiences with her children, meeting her husband, etc. And of course, I became so attached to her. Joan and I laughed and cried. I could tell her my struggles and get the best advice from her. Then, Joan asked me to finish her journal. So for weeks, she would talk, repeating almost everything twice, and I would type. I cried as I wrote her goodbyes to her family, I cried as I realized how scared she was to die, and I cried as she bore her powerful testimony to me.
A few months later, I could hardly understand her, and when I did, it didn't seem to make much sense. And it seemed all in one day that her health dropped, and she could no longer swallow, which meant, could no longer eat. I called the nurse, and she said she would be dying that day or the next. I was shocked. I thought I months or even a year more.
Joan made me willing to do things for her I thought I would never be able to do for anyone. Joan taught me about life, when she was dying. And now, she was actually going to die. I wasn't prepared for what to say or how to act. I went up to her and held her hand and cried. And as clear as she ever had been, said " I love you." And I hadn't heard her talk in months.
That was the first time I realized death was not a punishment for those that were taken. The loss is completely on our end. I know that she is with loved ones, that she is talking and singing again, that she can walk, or even fly if she wanted. My heart broke when she died, but I wouldn't have grown like this without the experience of knowing her. I would never take those two years back. That job was the hardest job I have ever had, it took me out of my comfort zone, but it was the best job I had and probably will ever have.
Joan your life was too short and it ended unfair. But if any good could come of it, I will never forget what I learned from you and I will prove it by living it! :) I love you!
It is in loss that I learn to value what I have.
In Helaman 12:3 it reads, "And thus we see that except the Lord doth chasten his people with many afflictions, yea, except He doth visit them with death, and with terror, and with famine and with all manner of pestilence, they will not remember Him."
Concerning this topic, one of my favorite poems ever written:
Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.
-Mary Frye
TRIALS
One of the most important things I have learned so far is to choose when and how to review my memories. To choose how I will let them effect me. You can learn and grow from every experience, sometimes it takes a while to want to grow from it, and sometimes it takes a lot longer to even see you learned something from it.
I had a friend tell me several years ago, that when something bad happens to you, you can tell three people, after that you are going into "pity me" mode. You vent to three people, and after that you can talk about it only to benefit others. I am not saying I follow this exactly all the time. But I do try to keep my complaining to a minimum. Because what you say turns into attitude, and your attitude makes who you who you are. So, when I can, I try to talk about things on the most positive side I can.
I wrote this poem after a particularly hard trial I was having.
God gave me a trial,
And though it was not easy,
He blessed me all the while
And humbled me that I might see
That I can find peace and light
On the stormiest of nights.
If I allow the Lord to guide me through,
I will find in all things, that I can DO.
Destiny
Maybe it isn't a frequent question for you, but I have been asked and have asked myself, if I believe in destiny. Am I destined for something?
After a lot of thought, I came up with my answer. And its pretty short this time:
Our destiny is determined
by the choices we make,
by the effort we put in,
and the paths that we take.
I am in control of the wheel and God is my compass. He may know before me, what I will choose. But the point is, I choose. I have control over something, maybe not the storms or waves; but I can steer the helm to calm waters.
My Prayer
Father, I have traveled far from thee
To a world where I can no longer
Hear Thy voice, nor face see.
And at times when I am full of doubt,
Questioning what my life is truly about,
I pray for guidance, I ask for peace.
Oh Lord, comfort me,
Let Thy spirit never cease.
I thank Thee for blessing
I daily recieve,
And how Thou stayed with me
When I did not believe.
Father may I increasingly
be more faithful and true,
that one day I may return to live with You.
For the Love of my Life
Never thought someone could make me laugh this hard,
Never expected someone to care this much when I cried.
Never knew I could love this much,
Never knew I'd smile so wide.
SO
Never think of me leaving you,
Never fear that I will run.
Never a need of praying I'll stay.
Never. Never. Because Now and always, you are the one!
Dreaming
Dreaming is important to me. I ask Kelly at least every six months "what are your dreams?" Just to make sure we are on the right path to achieving them. Dreams change, that is fine. Just as long as you never stop chasing them. Kelly wants military life, and I cannot commit to it, but I wont stand in the way of dreams either. We have found happy middle ground. RESERVES. I am so happy he supports me in my dreams, and keeps me from giving up, because getting to your goal requires A LOT of work.
When life is low on happy thoughts
And short of pixie dust!
(an obviously unfinished poem, or is it? idk)
A SHORT thought
Life is not easy,
No it is not.
But
Would you cowardly back down?
OR
Have them say that you fought!
Give me a signal of some kind
Light a beacon . . . send a flare in the sky
Just show me you are not made of stone
If there is any proof of life out there
Let yourself be heard
I am not asking of those beyond this world
Only those in my very own
I am in search for any proof of life
The world has never sang together
Chances are it never will
But it only takes a few brave voices
To make a change the world needs
So raise your voice in whatever way you know
Leave your mark upon the Earth
It doesn't matter if it reaches everyone
If even one will take heed
Is there any proof of life out there
?
The Looking Back
Often, the bad roads
Lead to the most beautiful places.
Sometimes when you feel alone
You meet the friendliest faces.
Perhaps you are a traveler
On the road unsure,
Continue forward!
For the looking back holds answers to why things were.
I never dared hope, not even at all
To be the princess in those stories.
Yet I got my Prince Charming, the kiss that wakened my very life.
I thank God for making my dreams come true,
Before I even dreamed it!
I am so thankful for Kelly coming into my life, the first time I saw him I literally felt drawn to him. I didn't know his name or anything about him, but I knew I had to meet him.
He is the perfect combination of everything a girl could ask!
He brings out the best in me and that is not easy to do.
I am the luckiest girl who ever lived!
Adjust the sails to your boat of dreams
When the winds and waves of change come about.
Protect that childhood flame of hope,
Patch up discouragement, cast off all doubt!
When the winds and waves of change come about.
Protect that childhood flame of hope,
Patch up discouragement, cast off all doubt!
It seems my plans and Gods plan are never on the same page.
The changes I have come upon recently have been frustrating,
but I think I have learned that God always knows better and that I always look
back on the hard times with a clear vision of how it made me a better person and worked out even better than I could have planned. So when change comes, don't give up on your dreams, just give them a little adjusting and keep sailing toward it!
